Just like me, this page is a work in progress...
**Editing NOW**
Will be up soon!
The 100% raw, unfiltered,
non-sugarcoated, DARKEST chapter of my life...
because you need to know that trauma may change your story, but it doesn't get to write the ending.
***PROCEED WITH CAUTION***
***POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD ***
Ok storytime...
The past 7 years of my life have been a series of tragedy and traumatic events. It began in a single day; December 14th of 2019, where my marriage ended, a close friend received a fatal diagnosis, and I witnessed a homicide. I would have been killed as well if I didn't follow my dog's instincts. She knew something was about to happen, so we turned around and walked back. Within 1 minute of us being inside, there were gunshots; 1,2...345. I will never forget the pattern it made.
(One of the neighbors flipped out on this lady who use to clean the property. He killed her and shot at anyone else outside.) That was the
That wasn't just a bad day—it was a complete, catastrophic collapse of my world up until that point. It caused PTSD, abandonment issues, and a level of depression I had not experienced before...and that was just the beginning. 2 days after that, there was a shooting (suspect died) right in front of my workplace. 3 days later, I watched my friend take his last breath. RIL Robby
Fast forward to September 16th, 2020: I open social media while I am on lunch and see a post that literally took my breath away. It's a picture of my best friend with "Rest in Love" below it. My best friend, my soul sister...died in a car accident early that morning. Jess was the only person in the entire plane of existence who truly knew me and would always listen when I needed to talk, never judged, gave me a place to stay when I left an abusive relationship...she was my rock, and I was hers. How the fuck am I going to get through losing my soul sister? That was a really hard tragedy to get through. RIL Jess
As if that wasn't hard enough, 5 DAYS LATER, the very dog that saved my life, got hit by a car and died. FUUUUCCCCKKKK MY LIFE. Other than Jess, my dog (her name was Bambi) was the only other being in existence who knew exactly how to comfort me, loved me unconditionally, and was always by my side. Now, I have nobody to comfort me or listen when I need to vent. I wanted to die. I prayed to God to take me because I just could not handle anything else. Then God said, "Hold my beer"... and gave me a shit ton more to handle. (Yes, it's ok to laugh at that; There is nothing wrong with you if you do. At this point, my life became one big fucking joke anyway.)
So after my best friend and dog died, I got diagnosed with ovarian cancer, lost a few friends by suicide, a couple of them OD'd, another one died in a car accident, another from health issues...NONE of them died from Covid, mind you...but they all died in 2021. I thought for sure I was next, and I wanted to be. I didn't think it was possible to recover from all of that. So, I began drinking heavily. And then came the destructive behavior, the self sabotage, the anger...I went down fast and my depression ate away at my soul.
I made it to 2022.Yay. January 1st - January 27th timeline: I tell myself I am going to get through everything that happened, I will stop sabotaging myself; stop the destructive behavior...and for almost a month, everything seemed like it was getting better. I pretty much stopped drinking, except the occasional glass of wine, scheduled my cancer surgery, and started focusing more on my goals and what I want in the future. I was caught up at work, got a raise, bought concert tickets and booked a vacation for the first time in years...it seemed everything was looking up! The very next day, I was on my way home from work and got the call that changed me forever...
My older brother committed suicide.
You are not dramatic for feeling crushed by what you’ve been through. You are not broken because it’s taking time to rebuild.
Before I get started, please keep this in mind:
I built this space because it didn't exist when I needed it; I had to fight my way back to sanity, safety, and happiness COMPLETELY ALONE. I know exactly what it feels like to sit in a room and believe that no one understands the sheer weight of what you’re carrying, or that the path out is "statistically impossible". I know what it feels like to "swallow your pride" and ask for help, only to get rejected by the very ones who PROMISED to always be there for you, which validates our reason for not asking for help in the first place. It's a cycle I wish would stop existing. If you aren't willing to help someone, then don't offer. Rejection hurts regardless, but rejection in the form of a broken promise is a different level of pain that can feel nearly impossible to recover from. I don't want anybody else to experience that level of loneliness; If you made it here, you don't have to.
That being said, I am not sharing my story for sympathy; I am sharing it as proof.
I am LIVING PROOF that happiness after trauma IS possible; It just requires effort. It is not going to be easy, but you won't have to do it alone. Email, call, or text me anytime you need support.
Before I get into the beginning of my downfall, I have to warn you;
I am not going to sugarcoat ANYTHING.
***PROCEED WITH CAUTION...POSSIBLE TRIGGERS AHEAD ***
Where it begins:
The Trauma Trifecta of December 2019
The day had an eerie vibe from the start. Nothing felt comfortable. I was about to make a chocolate cake to make myself feel better when my phone rang. It was my good friend Mariah. I knew something was wrong about 5 seconds into the call. She told me that one of our close friends, Robbie (RIP) was in the hospital and the prognosis was fatal...he only had a few days to live and he was being moved to Hospice. an attempt to clear my mind, I decided to take my dog out for a walk. We got about 30 feet away from the building when Bambi (my dog), stopped in her tracks and would not take a single step further.
Happiness isn't something that just happens when life is easy; it's something you rebuild after everything falls apart.
If you are currently in the middle of your own storm, I am LIVING PROOF that there IS solid ground on the other side.